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[Fic] In the Dark

Title: In the Dark
Pairing/s: KoKame (Tanaka Koki/ Kamenashi Kazuya)
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine
Warnings: Slightly crazy Kame. A bit purple in terms of metaphors.
Summary: He sits on his windowsill, face profile highlighted by the crescent moon, smiling to himself.


It’s midnight. He sits on his windowsill, face profile highlighted by the crescent moon, smiling to himself. One hand reaches for the familiar object sitting at his side. He slowly flips it upside down, watching as the moonlight catches on each and every grain of sand that runs down into the bottom half of the hourglass.


They fall agonizingly slowly, but for him, it’s normal. He likes the feeling of peace when he does this. He likes having his mind, his life, slow down too.


He chuckles, waiting patiently, contently, for the final few granules to drop down.


Then he flips it again.


His eyes are glued to the object. His friends always wonder why, when he stays the night in their rooms, he always disappears at midnight, only to return a couple of hours later. They ask, but he doesn’t give them the satisfaction of answering; merely laughs.


He spends a great deal of his time laughing. He laughs the sort of laugh that echoes around his otherwise empty room; that resonates off the walls, that ranks highest of sounds you wouldn’t want to hear before bed; or ever. It’s a dry laugh that thickens the air and almost makes him choke. Soft chuckles, sweet like chocolate, but with a bitter twinge of raw cocoa.


He’s never amused, just scornful.


One drawn-out laugh later, he’s once again turning over the wooden frame. It doesn’t matter that the moon’s been hidden by shadowy grey clouds; that he can no longer see the grains slipping down, down, down. It doesn’t matter, because he can feel it happening, feel their movement.


He feels every single grain of strength in his body slither from the top of his head, all the way down to his feet, before abandoning his body and disappearing below his bedroom floor, below the earth, then finding their way back to the hourglass, where they remain, trapped.


He feels like he’s being emptied as he turns it over again. Maybe it’s the final few morsels of his life that he’s giving away.


A tingly sensation quakes his body violently, escalates, and before long he’s been shaken off his windowsill and is lying, still twitching, on the floor.


He laughs.


He doesn’t stop laughing when a clueless Koki walks through his bedroom door, dashes to his side and grips him tightly in a desperate attempt to stop his shudders.


He lets Koki wipe away his tears with a warm thumb. Tears he wasn’t aware he’d shed.


Koki tugs him into a stiff, awkwardly-angled embrace, rubbing his back in circular motions.


That’s when he realises: Koki doesn’t understand. No-one does. Nobody else knows what he looks at, night after night. Nobody knows why he can’t stop looking.


And they never will.


He panics when Koki’s eyes land on the hourglass. He knows what is going to happen. He shrieks louder when Koki lets him go to hastily slip the hourglass into his jeans’ pocket and leave the room, locking the door behind him.


Koki’s playing the ‘Good Samaritan’. Koki’s stopping the return of more minor fits.


That’s what Koki thinks.


He wails; fingers clasped over his ears to avoid being deafened by his own yells.


His life’s been taken away by the person he loves; the person who gave him love.


His soul’s been crushed, but somehow he’s still breathing.


Why does nobody understand? If they pray for his happiness, then why do they insist on locking the door? He’s no ferocious tiger, restrained only by the bars of his cage. He’s a human being; he’s on the same level of intelligence and (questionably) sanity as everyone else in the institute. His luxuries had been taken away long ago, but now Koki’s eating into his necessities as well?


He blinks back the flames of rage that pool behind his eyes, making a worrying start to blinding him with fury. He knows having a tantrum won’t help; if anything, it’ll only make matters worse – if he blows up at Koki, he’ll be out for good.


Out of the locked room. Out of society.


Out of his mind.


He can’t bring himself to destroy whatever’s left of this human being. It’s not really ‘him’, exactly, but it is close enough. He’s no empty shell; he’s a hermit crab, burrowing in the shell of someone else. He’s a shadow that’s lost its body; a parrot that’s lost its voice.


How he wishes he could just go back, back to the days when talking to Koki made his heart flutter and living together (well, under the same roof) seemed like the best idea in the world. He wishes he could have changed the words he said back then, words that made Koki tense and edgy, words that made him visit less often. If only he hadn’t confessed, he wouldn’t be so lonely.


He wouldn’t be crying alone.


But times have changed, and this he knows. He doesn’t want to accept it, but he knows. There’s no going back; there’s no going forward either. He’s sand in an hourglass, stuck between the space above and the gap below.


There’s no way out.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 14th, 2011 05:21 pm (UTC)
Oh dear. This was- This was- My God. I didn't read that the fic was angst, and I didn't even notice it was angst until it was made clear why there was such a focus on the hourglass. I mean, I knew something was up, but not that it was something sad. I think it's really well done that at first, you don't really know what to expect and don't really know whether a good or bad thing is going on, whether the hourglass has no real meaning or a very deep one.

I'm also really happy to read a KoKame fic in which Kame's the one who doesn't have his love returned. That's very refreshing. I like it a lot, and I totally get it, too. I mean, Koki's the perfect boyfriend, so it's normal for Kame to adore him. ;)

Thanks for this!
Aug. 14th, 2011 05:47 pm (UTC)
It seems with any angsty fic I write, most people get a shock because they miss the genre label xD I wanted to use the hourglass as a theme for a story, and somehow a happy one just wouldn't fit. I wanted it to be something that made you think; I'm glad it seemed to do that!

I felt the same way when writing it. It was a bit out of the blue really, the idea and all, but for some time I'd wanted a fic where Koki wasn't the one chasing Kame. Koki's awesome ;)

Thanks a lot for reading, and your wonderful comment. I love getting detailed comments like this ♥
Aug. 20th, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
I..really..oh lord...this...poor Kame. I actually liked this fic. I know what that's like..then Kame in your fic, while it brings alot of stuff to the surface, I find it rather comforting at the same time. I still wish Koki could have returned Kame's feelings though. But I like the ending and, not only does it make you think, it makes you feel as well.

Nice fic and nice writing, thanks for sharing *hugs8
Aug. 20th, 2011 06:41 pm (UTC)
I'm happy you liked it!
I didn't want to write pure angst, so I'm glad what I did add in cushioned the blow a little. I was unsure at first as to whether to have Kame's feelings end requited or not, but ended up going down a totally different route. It's good to hear that the ending worked, and that you got something out of the fic.

Thank you very much, and thanks for leaving such a wonderful comment ♥ *hugs*
Aug. 20th, 2011 07:20 pm (UTC)
You're welcome *hugs*

Koki may not be to Kame, what Kame is to Koki..but he still cares for him regardless of the fact that he's not in love with him. ^^

But if you write another one..can they be together at the end? *puupy eyes*
Aug. 23rd, 2011 12:07 pm (UTC)
How the hell did I missed it? It was... wow~
I absolutely love it. You know that I'm weak when it comes to dark/psycho Kame.
A broken Kokame, and the hourglass... it was beautiful.
Also it's rare for KoKame to be so angsty, unless Akame is the main pairing.
Why you aren't writing more? I'll force you to, seriously.

Thank you for sharing~ <3
Aug. 23rd, 2011 01:06 pm (UTC)
I'm happy you like it!
Haha, Kame certainly wasn't himself here, and I know very well you have a thing for him that way. ;) I had a hunch you'd pick up on that if you read this.
Thank you :)
Yeah, I thought so, I'd initially planned to write this fic with a different pairing, but to have so much angst in a short KoKame fic struck me as something less done, so I had a bash.
T_T I have lost the will to write That's a lie. I just can't find the effort to finish my countless WIPs atm :/ #lazy

Not at all, thank you for reading and commenting ♥♥
Aug. 23rd, 2011 01:17 pm (UTC)
Well we talk about dark!Kame a lot after all not too much thought XD
Haha, even thought you are biased, it was good that it was KoKame~
Stop being lazy then~! :O
Aug. 23rd, 2011 01:56 pm (UTC)
Lol, I suppose we do. When I'm pestering you to draw him, that is. >:)
I'm biased, but KoKame has a place in my heart too. LOL. I should vary which ships I write anyway ^^
I know, I should. Just as soon as I can be bothered :D/
Aug. 24th, 2011 05:53 am (UTC)
I started to look at Dark Kame pics to draw. When I'll do it I'm so going to blackmail you to write more XD
LOL, I'm good with KoKame <3
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )